Attacking your Insecure: Turning Self Conscious into Self Sufficient

"You’re just a f*ck n*gga who THINKS he’s a good guy..."

-Actress Dominique Perry as "Tasha", on HBO's 'Insecure'

Yikes. 

I vividly remember the chills that traveled through my arms upon reading this quote. Do I consider myself a...what she said? No, but in reviewing my bad habits, people could easily make certain determinations. Oddly enough, I didn't even see it live, but Tasha's words painted a clear and colorful portrait of how far off we can be from how people actually perceive us. While that episode may have been missed, the reason for the success of the hit show Insecure and producer Issa Rae is quite obvious to me. Insecure (and its predecessor "The Mis-Adventures of Awkward Black Girl") captures the hearts of African American Millenials with oddly realistic storylines and characters submerged in relatability. Issa, Molly, Lawrence, Tasha, and the others are just like most of us; each is seeking some form of appreciation through their career and relationship ventures. Additionally, their journeys lead them to recognize areas for improvement, in each other or themselves.

The last few days, weeks, and months have generated a number of opportunities for me to see where things can be done better in my life.  In these chances to improve, I can feel the choices being presented to me: be uncomfortable and grow, or stay stagnant and do your usual. Choosing the latter reveals a result known as the "Butterfly Effect", a phenomenon in which a very small change in a complex system can have tremendous effects. In the system of improvement, overlooking what we consider a minor flaw allows it to fester and grow, potentially leading to the development of an insecurity over this weakness. As the insecurity swells, we find ways to compensate for the "deficiency" and in turn, OVERcompensate on a micro and macro level. My former coworkers are quite familiar with my stories of my teenage days. I'd commonly discuss how in high school, issues with my skin led me to be so self-conscious, so much that to draw attention away from it, I learned how to counter it with wit and humor. I'd tell mad jokes and act as a ladies' man with wit and charm to overcompensate. While my good will and lip service often help me out today, it never made me stop and address the true issues and the scars are still around to prove it. Fast forward twelve years later, listening to the radio and hearing my guilty pleasure "Bodak Yellow" ("...and I pay my momma's bills!") causes me to reflect on Cardi B's Love and Hip Hop days, where she spoke to fellow cast member Tara being conscious of her teeth:

"Well here's the thing, Tara...I got crooked teeth, so I don't want them to look at my crooked teeth; I'd rather them look at my t*tties."

Hilarious as that comment may be, we all find ourselves finding ways to bury our insecurities. Here's where we can take a lesson from Ms. Cardi and find our growth, by honestly identifying the areas of opportunity, being real with ourselves, isolating the weakness, and improving from it.

Identifying The Insecurity and Being Real

On Insecure, main character Issa and her love interest Lawrence are constantly in and out of a relationship, going back and forth. Their split, and subsequently their arguments stem from the infidelity of Issa which led to Lawrence stepping out as well, and despite still carrying a flame for each other, their indiscretions (and reasons for them) are never truly challenged. Often in life, we possess the ability to question our actions prior to its consequences. In relationships, the actions could be bickering, verbal or physical infidelity, abuse, or not being emotionally present. Careers have similar exploits (laziness, fear of flying, settling) that carry their own results. Addressing the action without the thoughts behind the action leave room for the behavior to continue. 

Insecurities can result in drastic consequences,
whether you're Team Issa or Team Lawrence.

To find the growth, we must recognize the ins and outs of our deeds. The answers we seek often arrive through the results of our actions or by an outside party being incredibly blunt with us. For me, it's my fiance'; she has the uncanny ability to tell me how bad my bad habits are. Though the sound of her 'fixin' to tell me about myself is dreadful, 30 minutes later I'm left struggling with how much of her monologue was actually accurate. When hit with the truth, do you sulk or take the message seriously? Listen and learn; find the what, where, when, why, and how of your weaknesses. Are you forgetful? Well, why are you forgetting stuff? What are you forgetting? Asking these type of questions leads to understanding your weakness (ex: forgetfulness) and setting a realistic goal towards improving (ex:

creating a schedule or prioritizing a task) instead of

getting defensive, petty, or angry.

Isolating The Insecurity and Improving From It

Take your weaknesses and "twerk" them in your favor. You'll
be sticking your tongue at the naysayers too.

Recently a female friend approached me about men being unfaithful. While no expert on the subject, my life experiences and natural desires as a man provide me a unique stance. As a youth, I maintained a very judgmental position on those who stepped out on their relationships and marriage. Twenty odd years later, infidelity is still not the most effective way to participate in a relationship, but as an adult, I view it as a poor coping mechanism more than a malicious action. Instead of addressing a damaged relationship or inability to commit to their mate, people take the easy way out and play the side. As we mature, picking the cheap or lazy option will almost always result in collateral damage. Yes, we all occasionally grow frustrated with our place in life or situations. How we decide to respond dictates what follows: progress, stagnancy, or regression. Separate yourself from the bad decisions and bad habits and make progress.  Whatever it takes to continually better yourself, do it. Sometimes we have to look beyond ourselves to find reasons to stop. No matter the source of inspiration, whether it stems from family or friends, fear of karma, or self-imposed demands, let it push you in the right direction.

It's a...excuse me..“Issa” perfect time for empowerment. I don't know if it's the eclipse, 45, or the true apocalypse, but we all could stand for positivity at this current juncture. There are some essential ingredients to growth, which is a stimulant for positivity: a stirring of the soul and a "will to 'won't". Change does not come to those in a comfort zone; you must be moved to and upon finding your change, you can't stop. You will want to; sometimes I want to, but we have to push through. In growth there is greatness; nothing more "secure" than that.