The Business of Love Galore: Feedback From My On The Job Training

"Why you bother me when you know you don't want me?
Why you bother me when you know you got a woman?
Why you hit me when you know you know better?
Know you know better"

SZA, "Love Galore"

Wish I could tell you, SZA. We don't know what we're doing. Relationships. It's the hardest and most rewarding job a man can ever have. King Kong...ain't got sh*t...on relationships.

Last week, I finally got around to watching the recent Denzel Washington film Fences with my family. It was signature Denzel; with the help of fellow stars Viola Davis and Mykelti Williamson, the movie delivered a strong depiction of the challenges and sacrifices of family life. The crazy thing was, it simultaneously reinforced yet redeveloped my perspective on family and committed relationships. Davis and Washington's relationship identified the unique layers of love. It spoke to the beauty in fantasizing of days past and enjoying each other's company; conversely, it highlighted the challenges of lack of chemistry and disappointment from not meeting certain expectations. The pairing exuded love but was often overcome by function; the moment Washington's character deviated from his paternal role and acted on what he thought he lack, a snowball effect resulted that changed the entire dynamics of the family.

Denzel and Viola in Fences.

Today, despite the advancements to feminism and family structure, relationships still contain an element of role playing (traditional, not positional lol). We each bring something to the table, and those roles (and in turn, our relationships) correlate directly to who we are at that period in our lives. For me, my engagement to my fiancee is symbolic of a current desire to reach my potential. It is an acknowledgment of moving in the right direction, but that the journey is incomplete. That recognition takes time to discover and often times we don't even know what we are looking for. We spend countless hours analyzing our relationships, our partner, and ourselves in an attempt to determine whether we have all we'll need to get by.

The answer lies in the results of various tests, tests of our loyalty to our partner and commitment to success. Whether it's time, money, personalities, or an outside person getting in the way, these trials bring us to the same questions: "Am I really committed to this person?" or more importantly, "Do I know HOW to be committed?"

Truthfully, I still ask myself the second question a lot. Do I know HOW to be committed? When hearing the word "commitment", business owners, artists, and sports stars come to mind. They put in so many hours to their craft. In a sense, relationships require putting in "that work" as well. Given the learning curve involved in dating and romance, it's natural to question our abilities in this area. Unfortunately, it becomes natural to sabotage our own happiness; Evil Kermit comes out: "Argue. Be combative. Slide in Keshia's DMs." These temptation moments are unforeseen standards and crossroads of all relationships; if never taught, how do you avoid and have a successful relationship? What are the terms of a successful relationship? A few years back, while attending a banquet, the guest speaker defined success as "Preparation meeting Opportunity". With that definition, we can decrypt success in life and love using experience and opportunity; are you prepared and if not, how do you prepare?

We're dumb sometimes, SZA.

Every strong institution is built on a solid foundation; good businesses start with a good mission statement. In his signature blunt introspect, my father once gave me three great pillars for building a strong relationship: communication (or chemistry), honesty, and love. Talking to each other (direct speech, not drawn out arguments) saves countless hours of arguments while chemistry helps convert those words into effective action. Being honest is an underappreciated necessity that reduces risk. Love is that wall of defense that keeps you on the side of good and virtue. Very few people in a relationship are able to circumvent all the distractions that come our way; we rely on some combination of love and faith to side step the doom placed before us.


Living and experiencing a few things has added a fourth pillar for me; sometimes you need four to keep that house fortified. That last pillar is role recognition; sometimes we all need to "know our role". Now, these roles are not Suzy Homemaker or Caveman Breadwinner, but two simple ones both parties should possess: being the best version of yourself and inspiration for our partner to be the best version of themselves. It's a hard road trying to be your best at all times; we will occasionally fail. Being there for your partner (and them being there for you), however, makes that road much easier to travel.

Knowing the necessities simplifies the battle, but obtaining them puts the odds in your favor. So how do you obtain the necessities? How do you prepare for a relationship? An old wise tale explains that the moment you stop looking so hard for something is exactly when you find it.  It may sound lame, but put stock in yourself; it feels good to learn and love yourself every so often. More importantly, we must take the time to relearn what we want and need from life to maximize our gifts. I don't want a half *ss partner; do you? Well, don't bring half *ss you to the dinner date, either! Learning our strengths and weaknesses builds an understanding of our triggers and their particular reactions. Additionally, we have time to effectively define our wants and needs from our partner (or future partner). Upon defining them, the final method of preparation is practicing selflessness. Putting the well-being of someone else before your own is the ultimate example of sacrifice. Admittedly, it requires effort for me to always think of another person. I got used to doing for self. But life changes, and wanting more requires more. Those random trips to Taco Bell now require that text or call: "Hey...you hungry?" Time with your boys become time with the Mrs; being right is replaced by being loved. After some time, you benefit from their happiness as much as you do from your own.

Every day is a different day; the better our habits are, the more prepared we are. We are prepared not only for life's challenges but for success as well. Embrace chances to improve yourself and your relationship. As I am learning, even success has its own fences to mend. Loveeeee...love, love, love...long as we got it.