"Sooooo...when are
we going to hang out?"
(Ed. Note: Don't ask a girl, "When are we going to hang out?" What is this, Glee? Be a man and ask her to go out! Ced P)
Screening through
Facebook last night, I found an interesting quandary posted by a high school
friend of mine. In speaking with an associate of the opposite gender, she was
questioned on when they could spend time together; from his tone (or smiley
faces, if sent through text) she gathered he had intimate intentions. She of
course possessed no interest in this man and in her account never gave off the
impression that she did. Curious about how she should handle this situation,
she took to the (Face) book and asked her friends how she should tell this
unknowing gentleman it "ain't going down".
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| Based on what offer on the table, it may not be best to go on that "harmless" date. |
Female readers, I'm
sure many of you experience this situation in some form or fashion; you meet or know a
nice guy and he is interested in..."developing" the relationship.
Brothers, most of us (unless you are an R&B singer or have a well developed
S-curl) have run into this circumstance at least once, growing from it or
dwelling in the friend zone of many beautiful women. While the remedy for men
lies in better scouting of love interests, being clearer in your intentions,
and having patience in showing your hand, today's words of encouragement are
for the misses. Conveniently, this also can be used for guys bold enough to
turn down a good women in this current era of ratchetness. In the interest of
good communication, I wanted to offer tips on how to determine whether the date
is worth turning down, and if so how to reject with dignity.
1. Identify a general
idea of what your situation is.
Before accepting or rejecting a romantic evening with a person, there are
two elements of this compound to identify. These key components must be
determined in this circumstance (and also holds credence in nearly all factors
of relationships) before an invite can be truly entertained. The first of these
is self-reflection; what are YOU trying to do? A prospect shouldn't be held
responsible for any indecision you have. To narrow down the possible feelings,
below are a list of possible trains of thought behind wanting to head out on the town:
YOU: Find the person intriguing, Sexually attracted to them,
moving on after a break up, catching up, free meal/entertainment, bored and
needed to get out the house/away from the kid(s).
While I am not stating
that all of these lists are morally correct, they are reasons for one to want
to go out with a person. In identifying your true feelings you can make a sound
decision of what you want prior to being asked. People that ask "When are
we hanging out?" tend to ask in a random and haphazard manner, making it
key to always be on your game.
2. Inquire what are
THEY trying to do.
If a person asks you to
hang out, it is very customary to quickly accept, lie, or reply with the
infamous "We'll see...". Instead of a immediate reply, consider
playfully asking what is the intent behind the date; It is an easy way to find
out what's up without assuming. To be fair, below is a list of reasons behind a man asking you out on a date:
THEM: Have sex..........just kidding, there is more. Interest is sparked, always wanted to go out with you, re-kindle a flame, you're finally single, movie companion, re-establish confidence, maintain closeness with you (especially if you're in a relationship...yikes), you're very easy on the eye, your conversation/flirting is f'n incredible.
Ask a man what reason does he want to take you out; all he has is his word and his balls, right?
If you don't value the former, chances are you won't value the latter. It
is very reasonable to question their motives in a respectful way. I don't speak for every man, but in my
experience of a woman questioning my motives, one of three things happened:
a.) Gave a detailed, passionate answer I'm telling the truth and really invested in
you.
b.) Replied with a quick witty reply *Ray Charles voice* Drawers are on my minnnnnnndddd,
or
c.) Stumbled with my words Woman, I have no clue! I just want to hang
out!
Asking the light
hearted question will gain you a serious answer and in essence help
you construct your decision and delivery of said decision.
3. Review and respond.
Upon gathering the information from the date advocate, quickly compare notes. See how far his intentions are from yours; my belief is if we're in the same ballpark, the person should be given a chance to make a good offer. If we're in different sides though, if I'm Late Registration Kanye and you're Yeezus Kanye, we can't bang. Using the previously mentioned thought processes, if you find the person intriguing and they feel you carry great conversation, you're in the same ballpark. Conversely, if you just want a free meal, and they want to have sex...umm, let me know how that works out.
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| If you say no, do it with authority, so they know it's real. |
Once the results are in, inform your awaiting party. If it makes sense to go out, tell them you're free Friday (or whatever day you're off). If you feel that it's not best to link up, then you must do the noble thing and respectfully decline. When telling a man you're not interested, there are a few things to consider: Will you remain in contact with this person? Do you care about this person? Are you an emotional person? Do you give in to peer pressure? If you answered 'yes' to two or more of these questions, consider the male psyche. We constantly walk the fine line of confidence and insecurity; for best results, use honesty, respect, and consistency. Be firm that you prefer not to go out (avoid 'I think' if possible), but be appreciative of the request. In addition, don't waiver by being too friendly. Without trying, you could send mixed signals that you will have to come back and clean up later. Furthermore, if a opportunity arises to change your mind, expect them to take it.
It's not a bad thing; you're a special catch and men are drawn to greatness. Who wouldn't to have you? The key, however, is who you want. Be steadfast.
In closing, have fun and enjoy the ability to date, but be smart in matters of the heart and the body. Likewise, be considerate of those who think highly enough of you to approach you (in a respectful manner). Nobody likes to be toyed with, so keep it....realllllllll.
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Thank you for posting!