Peace Out: Breaking Up With Class and Dignity

"That's passé."

They'll have a song out soon.

In my friend circle, we use this phrase commonly to highlight actions and behaviors that are frowned upon. An activity that would most CERTAINLY be considered passé here at Y.M.e? is the recent scuffle between  my light skinned twin Chris Brown (you know they call me "Chris Brown-skin") and his lighter counterpart, Drake. This nightclub...FIASCO is disheartening for several reasons. First, two light-skinned people shouldn't be fighting; it's counterproductive to y'all comeback and El Debarge would not appreciate it. Secondly, it's rumored that the fight surfaced over the two's previous involvement with a former flame, Ri-Ri. Now I know that Caribbean women are nice with it, but my Lord! It's NEVER to cool to fight over the past.

If these claims are true, it leads me to back to the respective "break-ups" of these singing/rapping individuals with the previously mentioned. The appearance is that neither gained a true sense of closure from leaving the relationship. Folks, it's CRUCIAL to walk away with some piece of mind and insight about you, the partner, your relationship, and how to grow from it. If not, you find yourself throwing bottles at R&B superstars and blaming Meek Mill for it. Amen.

Recently, I went through a little break up of sorts; oh yeah, Ceddy P has problems too. Recently, me and my Ghetto Queen "Dashiki" (she's not ghetto or named Dashiki, but the name sounds funny) decided to go our separate ways. For those unfamiliar with my blog, "Dashiki" was the girl I was dating regularly. She wasn't my girlfriend (dang, "We're Just Talking" smh), and I'm no punk with mine, but the separation was bittersweet. She was my favorite girl (only Dashiki connected with my love of Meteor Man and early Spike Lee movies) and not to mention, she was fine and thicker than Dwyane Wade's knee pads. Despite our chemistry, we both understand that we are at different places in our life. The actual conversation was actually quite unique; we were very cordial, there was no embarrassment or degrading of each other, and we laughed as we said good bye. When we hung up, I felt no regret of giving her a unique ringtone (you know a lot of people get those undeservedly.)

When breaking up, it's important to gain the positive (as much positive as you can get from relinquishing a fine slimmy). If this situation ever arises, remember these points of reference.

1. Be honest AND respectful.

Yes, we can do both at the same time (at the same damn time). While there is no behavior that is 100% consistent with genders, my experiences in and around bad break-ups show opposites sexes acting one way during the relationship before changing at the point of separation. Here's two examples:

Ex. 1. Man is cheating on girlfriend throughout relationship (lack of honesty). At the time of break-up, he slanders his ex's name, fuels or allows rumors and stories about their infidelity, creating an environment damaging to his ex's well-being and reputation (lack of respect).

Ex. 2. Woman meets man, and they begin "talking". She likes him...but not in the same manner as he does her. Because she doesn't mind the attention and free dinners, she doesn't tell him (lack of honesty). Eventually the man senses this and approaches her. Her response? The woman questions why he couldn't figure it out, belittling him and making him feel like his feelings were one-sided from the beginning (lack of respect).

Start with examining yourself, and answering the tough questions. Does this relationship have the potential to be long-term? Is that what I am looking for? Is his/her breath fresh (excluding mornings)? If you're not answering "Hell yeah...hell yeah...hell yeah..," then why string it along?

2. Seek Clarity.

Ok. We're going to break up. I'm going to miss the loving (and so are you), but I still respect your opinion and want to grow in any way possible. Why didn't this work? Where could we have improved? Did you tell me from "jump" and I ignored you? Seeking clarity is the toughest component because it's constructive criticism, but it's also analysis of the person you at one time were interested in. It could be something you've said or done that ended the relationship...or your partner could just be corny. You got to LISTEN...

This is not the kind of burning I had in mind.

3. Have Discretion with your "Bridge Burning".

There are times when it's okay to keep lanes open after a separation. People often quote the cliche, "Don't burn your bridges." Some of those bad boys need to be torched. If he beat on you, burn it! If she cheat on you, FIRRRRREEE! Anyone who has a negative impact on your self-esteem, finances, and relationship with God and/or family has to go. Rare instances, however, call for rare reactions. There are just some people that mature later, have a special "je ne sais quoi", or just make your face light up when you think of them. For those few loves (don't make it a habit), I'd suggest holding the kerosene can, but waiting to light the match. Hey, crazier things have happened. 

4. Listen to Michael Jackson & Usher.

Huh? What? Trust me. After a split, you need some music that makes you feel happy, smooth and cool. When it comes to that, I take it to MJ and Ursh-er baby (The new album starts a little slow, but it makes moves). Personal suggestions include, "Carousel" (MJ), "Certified" (Usher), and "Rock With You". Don't listen to "Remember The Time" or "U Got It Bad". It's not a good idea.

5. Fall Back. 

This term is used very commonly and sometimes incorrectly, but here it is applicable. When you're breaking up with someone, it probably isn't best to be all in their face, on their Twitter and Facebook, or around their friends. Give yourself a chance to breath and to realize you're "not about that life" right now. You need that because even your everyday routine will remind you of them. I see Dashiki's car EVERYDAY; I didn't even know that car existed until I met her. If you don't take that space everything that reminds you of your ex/former flame will bother you, and that's how you end up getting bottles to the head at the club. 

6. Believe in Yourself.

You're a sexy beast. It may not have worked here, but somebody has their eye on you, so you need to keep your spectacles wide open. There is a moment we all go through after a situation doesn't go as planned, well...unless you're evil. But if you're not, and you get disappointed, it's okay; just don't stay stagnant. Remain on the lookout, and don't be afraid to say, "Hi." Sometimes that's all it takes.

With these moves and grooves, you can go out like a champion; in relationships, it's really important to retire on top. The last thing you want is you to gain a bad reputation, like Terrell Owens or my old hero Allen Iverson. Even when money and fame isn't involved, it's important to act with grace to leave a strong legacy. Besides, there is no need to act wild and crazy because love is lost...that's passé.

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