My Diabolical Plan To Be a Celebrity and Be Faithful To a Boo-ski

Happy Holidays good people; I hope everyone was able to spend time with someone they loved. Grandma Andrews is visiting for the weekend, so I’ve been singing all the Christmas jams in my Smokey Robinson voice. In addition, I made lasagna (with ground turkey, because Malcolm doesn’t get down with the swine) and I feel it turned out well.

Shaq and Shaunie, before reality 

shows and auto-biographies. 

Over the past few weeks, the news has been littered with stories of tomfoolery and chicanery, even more than normal.  While the Air Jordan shopping incident is by far the most absurd story, the most disappointing are the growing number of celebrities filing for divorce. The news resonates with me for a multitude of reasons: reportedly one of the divorces stems from infidelity issues and if finalized, the children of these families become products of a split-parent household. The biggest concern, however, is once again a high profile celebrity is accused of using his power to have a multitude, a bundle, a SMORGASBORD of affairs. 

Cheating is WRONG, let me say that, but why so many?!!? Not one, not two (enter LeBron voice), not three…no, no, no; you have a whole collection, a whole selection. As a man who aspires to be both a high profile personality and a happily married man, this makes me uneasy. In an effort to avoid this scenario (and keep my Wikipedia page cool), I have developed a six-step method to avoid extra-marital affairs, re-titled “The 6^th Sense: Six Ways to Escape a Hoochie and Preserve Your Relationship.” (The following is completely created for the purpose of entertainment. The author is not a marriage counselor; he’s not even married! Just roll with it.)

Six Ways to Escape a Hoochie and Preserve Your Relationship

1.   Find a woman who you ACTUALLY like (not just her booty) and she likes you (not just your power).

I’m holding on to this cliché that I’ve heard mainly from my mother, but also from Martin Lawrence: “YOU GOT TO BE FRIENDS!” Being friends with your mate adds a security feature that makes it easier to be faithful, or on the flip side, harder to cheat.  You have more invested than physical attraction, which you have with 1 in every 5 women you see.  Think of it as putting a passcode on your cell phone.

2.       Assemble an appropriate crew to block you from messing up.

The light-skinned version of Y.M.e?

The crew is like your offensive line, they keep you from getting hurt. Because if you cheat, everything gets hurt: your feelings, your kids, your bank account…your bank account. Seriously, you must protect your relationship so in addition to you being smart, your crew must be smart. There are three crucial characters to your crew: the hater, the heathen, and the high-energy reserve. Hater is your conscious. If he sees you dreaming of doing something wrong, he’ll wake you up and chastise you. My hater is excellent; he bothers me if I'm single! Next is the heathen, who doesn’t really like you and is only along for the women. Take advantage and put him in a “Prevent” defense to intercept any girls unfazed by your relationship. Be sure to tell him he’s your “manager”. If all else fails, utilize your “high-energy” man. He will wear them down with humor, knowledge of culture, and dancing. He’s a hit or miss, so the women will be smitten with him or turned off; either way, they are out of your hair.

3.       “Humble Yourself”

It’s important to keep things in perspective. Fellas, I like to quote the great philosopher John “POPS” Witherspoon: “You AIN’T…NO…PLAYUH!”  Ladies, look to Beyonce as a source of motivation. If Beyonce’  is staying faithful, and she’s Beyonce’, keep it at home. Neither side should think so highly of themselves that they step out on their partner. That’s just selfish and as my cousins from Georgia say, “Ignant” (ignorant).

4.       Look, but don’t touch.

A glimpse has never hurt anyone, but when you progress from there, it gets all emotional and then becomes dangerous. If you’re by yourself and you see a beautiful slimmy, hey…take a look, thank the lord, and keep it moving. Ladies too; don’t OD, but hey y’all should take a peek just to mix it up.

5.       No digits, no drawers.

All it takes is a text. It doesn’t even need to be a naked photo; too many smiley faces and winks can destroy the empire. As a writer, I recognize the power of words. If you say the right things to a person, it creates an image very difficult to undo. Avoid it, dog; don’t play that game. You will LOSE. You…will… (Whispers) lose.

6.       Think about Momma.

I’d be foolish to deny that temptations are all around us and even with these tips, that people will still be tried and tested. One scenario that really grabs me as a man is envisioning someone hurting my mother in that manner. It’s a scene that tears at me, and thinking that I could cause that same kind of pain would create a huge impact on my decision to cheat.

Hopefully these tips are of benefit to you or a celebrity you may know. With these moves (and these grooves) we can save a home!