The Barriers of Black Love (U Don't Know Me)

Hey Young World…I hope all is well. The year is young and I hope people are still doing big things.  I want to take the time to say Happy Belated Birthday to my good friend Michelle and Happy Birthday to Steff, aka Big Shimmy.

As a single Black male, you run into a variety of challenges when looking for female companionship. Many times, it is lack of chemistry; others it is bad timing, as a female has just finished a bad relationship. One barrier is becoming painfully common, and its existence in the Black community leads to the disjointing between Black males and females, specifically our young adults. This barrier is the presumption. I like to call this the T.I. Effect: You might see me in the streets, but homie, you don’t know me.

When meeting a person of the opposite sex, it’s safe to say both parties make immediate analysis of their counterpart. Their appearance, demeanor, and speech are determining factors for how we will interact with them. Many men categorize females, either as someone to develop a serious friendship/relationship, to ask female advice from, or to have sex with (aka get to know you better). Most females do likewise, only quicker lol. None of the elements I mentioned, however, offer enough detail about a person after one, even two meetings.

Enter the presumption.

Depending on the male, our initial presumption can differ. If attracted to a female, most fellas presume we can develop something with them. Some may pursuit a friendship or relationship and some just want to have sex with you. In my OPINION, females prefer the option of having casual sex or just “talking” to you, which, after a certain point difficult to measure, they want to date. If you become a friend, there is seldom chance for you to be more. More importantly, if the attraction is not immediately there, and females presume the male wants more, they will tell you from the jump, “I view you as a friend…and that’s IT. (REJECTED!!!)

There are two issues with this philosophy, which has greatly reduced the success of healthy Black relationships and more importantly, marriages. One, it is unfair to presume anything about a person before you have truly given them a chance to develop and prove themselves. Fellas are deeming girls worthy of romance and sex, building relationships without any foundation of true feelings. Worse, some of these couples are having unplanned pregnancies, greatly reducing (but not eliminating) the chance for them or their future child to be financially comfortable. Ladies, making presumptions about a man’s intentions prior to even engaging with them is unfair and in all honesty, detrimental to you. When you tell a man you only see him as a friend, before even spending time with him or going on a date, you come off as arrogant and self-centered. More importantly, you kill the attraction the male had to you as a person, not just as a love interest. To tell a person you see them as a friend really should be reserved for someone you can’t risk a breakup with, not as a wall to prevent feelings from occurring.

Secondly, we have forgotten how important being a friend with a lover is to sustaining a relationship. Allow me to define the term “friendship”.  A true friend is someone that is a part of you. You are comfortable discussing any phase of your life with that person:  mental, spiritual, physical, or developmental.  A true friendship between a male and female is a union in which they develop a level of comfort with each other, to the point that any boundaries are determined by where they are in their lives.  Money, appearance, and sex are all trumped by the love you have for one another. Example: Guy meets girl, they become “friends”; after becoming more familiar, the two later expand upon their relationship, because they enjoy a level of comfort and love that cannot be matched by any other person in their lives. There MAY be one person I love in that capacity, and that love has developed over time. In this culture getting to know someone as a friend makes them less appealing. Truly let your love go, and you’ll find that you may have a friend whose antics, drive, and wonderful personality makes them MORE desirable.

In closing, I challenge us to be more open minded in our pursuits of relationship bliss. Fellas, be more selective of who you deem romantically appropriate. We may need to change our approach as well: That’s probably why we get shut down lol. Ladies, please find value in things that will benefit you over the long haul: respect, drive, intellect, support, chemistry (You’d be surprised how often a good romantic life is sandwiched in there)  We often bitch and moan about not having someone to be there for us when we have actually done our best job to push them away.